On the Quiet Heroism of Bureaucrats

I continue to write a monthly column for the Ann Arbor Chronicle, and it just dawned on me–on the eve of the publication of my June column–that I totally neglected to post a link to my May column (which is significantly more upbeat). It begins like this:
The Ann Arbor Chronicle | In it for the Money: Equal Marriage

Back in March, for just shy of 24 hours, Michigan was willing to license, solemnize, and recognize the marriage of any two people without getting all particular about their genitals. [1] The three-judge appellate panel is still out on whether the question of a happily-ever-after for non-bigots and wedding-lovers here in Michigan. But that was still a pretty wonderful day.
In one sense that day resulted from a specific victory in court: A courageous couple embarked on a legal battle in order to protect their adopted children in the case that either parent dies, lawyers argued the case, and based on the merit of those oral arguments and the testimony of experts a federal judge issued a very strongly-worded decision.
By itself, all of that was a wonderful example of our legal system basically working as we’d hope.
But here’s the thing: If that was all that had been done – just plaintiffs and lawyers and experts and a level-headed judge – no one could have gotten married on Saturday, March 22, 2014. No offices would have been open, no staff would have been on hand, and the appropriate forms would not have existed.
So today I want to sing the praises of the quiet heroism of county clerks – who are, for the vast bulk of law-abiding citizens, the daily executors of the Law, which is to say our Will as a People. This column is meant to record in something approaching a permanent way their mettle in helping to bend the Arc of the Moral Universe towards Justice. . . .

And goes on in that manner for a reasonable number of words, then stops. In the middle, we cover the intricacies of marriage applications and the weird contortions that bigoted laws demand.
If for no other reason, please click through to reap the benefits of reading the piece’s lone footnote.

I Have No Idea What My Kid Does At School, but it is Terrifying and Wonderful

My son was in second grade this year. Every day, on the way home from the bus stop, I’d ask what he did that day, and invariably they did nothing. I’d prod, as directed by the school: “Which specials did you have today? Did you go to the library? Did you have gym? What did you get in trouble for? Did anyone fall out of a chair?” and basically get nothing.
Now the school year’s winding down, which means that the other day he came home with pounds of classwork–much of it unfinished, or even untouched (kinda confirming his claim that he does nothing at school). But in among the mess of nightmare penmanship and abandoned math sheets were bizarre gems, like these little daily writing things. I don’t even know what these were supposed to be: They are half-sheet size, stapled into booklets, rarely dated. Sometimes they are just a sentence or two about his weekend or favorite food, but often they are these weird schematic jokes:

Or little nuggets that read like spitball pitches for indie horror films. Here’s my favorite:

That says (with spelling corrected): AN UNFORTUNATE HAMSTER AND A MONKEY WITH BIG EARS TIED TOGETHER TO A BONE.
Jesus! Did they film these! Is this from the TV Guide in a parallel universe were Begotten won an Academy Award?
Also, apparently, he and his classmates made an anthology:

This thing weighs over a pound-and-a-half and is thicker than my thumb. My boy’s contribution is the first chapter (?!) of a piece of some sort of Snoopy/Pikachu slash fic. Wolves bring them magical weapons and some sort of sonorous bird. There were more chapters of this–occasionally illustrated, invariably scrawled edge-to-edge, front and back, on loose sheets of college-rule paper–embedded in the trash-monster that came home in his backpack. There was also an unpublished draft for the first book in his series Presidents in Peril in which Lincoln is saved from wolf-assassination by a time-traveling ninja (also an excellent film pitch, in my humble).
Oh, and, one more thing: They made a whale. A 1:1 scale replica of a blue whale, made from black plastic tarps and inflated with industrial blowers (the kind the custodians use to dry the floor after waxing).
    
(Sorry these pics aren’t super-fantastico; there was no practical way to get a pic of the outside of the thing, because it was as big as a fucking blue whale.)

A whale. A whale. They made a whale, and then inflated it, and got inside it as a class, and made measurements so they could tape down 3×5 index cards labeling the locations at all the organs.
They worked on it for months–during which, every day, I asked my kid: “What did you do at school today?” and he answered “Nothing.”
HE SPENT HIS DAYS TOILING IN THE BELLY OF A WHALE, and that was “Nothing” to him; Nothing at all.
We truly live in an age of wonders.
These are our tax dollars at work, Ann Arbor, Michigan. This is what we vote for when we vote for millages. I, for one, have no regrets. None at all.

Wanna Review My Forthcoming DIY Musical Noise Toy Book? Drop Me a Line! #diy #maker

Are you a REVIEWER TYPE PERSON? Are you interested in MAKER stuff and DIY? Do you like FREE BOOKS? I’m in the midst of writing my second DIY book for No Starch Press, this time focused entirely on musical instruments and noise toys (both traditional and odd-as-hell–see a few early prototypes in the videos below). If you are possibly interested in a review copy, hit me with your contact info and a link to your venue (or blog, Tumblr, Twitter, Goodreads, Amazon account, etc.)
Wondering what my books are like? There are SNEAK PEEKS and FREE SAMPLES from my first book at the No Starch Press website and on Amazon.
Please feel free to pass this on to others you know who might be interested! Thanks!



See you at STEAMTOPIA!!!

Hey All: I’ll be at the Steamtopia Steampunk Convention in Dearborn, MI, June 12-15. Here’s a really slick version of the Steamtopia Schedule.
I’ll be teaching workshops on DIY booze and hummingbird feeders and homebrew electric stringed instruments, as well as sitting on a publishing panel, running a few writing workshops, selling and signing books, and generally hanging around. We can drink some beers and then get into a foam knife-fight! See you there!

Hey Nifty! My Story “The New Guys Always Work Overtime” Won the 2014 Asimov’s Science Fiction Readers’ Award for Short Fiction! #scifi

. . . or tied for it, at least:
WINNERS: Analog Science Fiction and Fact’s AnLab Award / Asimov’s Science Fiction’s Readers’ Award – SF Signal

Asimov’s Science Fiction Readers’ Award Winners

  • Best Novella: “The Application of Hope” by Kristine Kathryn Rusch (8/13)
  • Best Novelette: “Over There” by Will McIntosh (1/13)
  • Best Short Story (Tie)
    • “The Wall” by Naomi Kritzer (tie) (4-5/13)
    • “The New Guys Always Work Overtime” by David Erik Nelson (tie) (2/13)
  • Best Poem: “Rivers” by Geoffrey A. Landis (6/13)
  • Best Cover Artist: Kinuko Craft

Wanna read it? Well, you’re in luck: You can buy the ebook or get it for FREE (many formats available).

Continue reading “Hey Nifty! My Story “The New Guys Always Work Overtime” Won the 2014 Asimov’s Science Fiction Readers’ Award for Short Fiction! #scifi”

Lost Your Glasses? Make a Pinhole “Lens” with Your Fist #PROTIP

This is *vital* survival skill for folks who depend on corrective lenses. For example, both my mother and wife are basically blind without their glasses (my mom is actually legally blind without hers); misplaced glasses are a huge problem.
If you are an optometrist, you should teach this to folks first thing when you prescribe lenses for them. It can be an actual life saver, right up their with hands-only CPR and the knowing to Heimlich an infant[*].

If you’re generally curious about pinhole technology and how pinholes work, you can check out this article I wrote for The Magazine, “Light Motif.”

Continue reading “Lost Your Glasses? Make a Pinhole “Lens” with Your Fist #PROTIP”

My novelette “There Was No Sound of Thunder” is in the current ASIMOV’S (plus a *BONUS* story for FREE!)

The New Guys Always Work Overtime cover image
My latest novelette, “There Was No Sound of Thunder,” is featured in the issue of ASIMOV’S SCIENCE FICTION magazine that’s on newsstands for the next week or so. If you don’t believe in dead-tree reading, you can get it for Kindle *cheap!* If you don’t believe in paying for stuff–well, you can work that via Kindle, if you kill your subscription fast enough, or just go to your local library.

BONUS: My other story set in this same commercial time-portal universe, “The New Guys Always Work Overtime” (first published in the February 2013 ASIMOV’S) is now available as an ebook. Gimme your email address and you’ll get an absolutely FREE!!! copy:





(If you aren’t cool with sharing your email, you can buy a copy of the story for a buck from any number of ebook retailers.)

And, hey, one last thing: here’s a little flash fiction I wrote as a favor to a friend last week–in an easy-2-retweet format, no less!

Reminder: Springtime is an Awful Time for Kite Flying

Fed Ex Diamond Kite
As the wind blows the hanging chair in my big old maple up to a 45-degree angle, then whips it around to batter the tree and threaten dog-walkers, I’m reminded of this incontrovertible fact: Springtime is an Awful Time for Kite Flying.
In most of North America spring breezes are gusty and move around the compass; this is *awful* for flying kites, which really work best with a steady, constant breeze (even a fairly weak one). But thanks to the Peanuts Industrial Complex, Americans have inseparably associated Spring and kite flying, much to their enduring frustration.
That’s not to say getting a kite up in the Springtime is impossible, just that it’s much harder. While ground-level breezes are often all over the place, higher wind can be nice and steady, so if you can get the kite to climb fast, you can still make a go of it. The diamond kite in my book performs pretty well in fickle spring breezes (the book includes two kite designs and lots of tips; there’s a brief version of just the diamond-kite build available for free online).
Here are some more kite flying and building tips: Snip, Burn, Solder Blog: Kite Season is Here! (N.B.: This post was written in the *Fall*)

Imogene Heap’s Goofy Magic Music Gloves

Since I’m neither a musician nor a computer programmer[*], these don’t excite me personally (I imagine using them–for me–would be as frustrating as the goddamned Nintendo Power Glove), but OMFG do I ever wanna buy a pair of these for Girl Talk!
Imogen Heap’s musical gloves – Boing Boing

And, for those who don’t know Girl Talk, please go seek enlightenment *now.*

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